You see, despite the fact that I now own your beloved farm...
...I can't legally mine it, because the county won't let me.
I need to hold a public hearing, you know...
...to give the citizens of Hazzard a chance to object.
And let me guess, you're going to hold the hearing during the rally tomorrow?
And if nobody knows about the hearing, there won't be anyone there to object.
- There you go. - Sleight of hand.
- Grow the fingernails out.
Then pop some fingernail polish on them bitches.
- Is Billy Prickett in on it? - Prickett?
- Prickett's just collecting a paycheck. - We ain't gonna let you get away with it.
Really? Tomorrow, if you happen to be strolling by the courthouse about noon...
...you might wanna rush right in there and voice your objections.
Voice this.
Dadgum it. I just remembered.
Tomorrow morning you're going to the Georgia work farm.
And I hear they have a rather strict policy on weekend passes.
Yo, B. You need to pop a feather in that hat, yo.
Then your man ho's will be having more respect for you.
I have $ 100 right here...
...for whoever knocks that loudmouth son of a bitch out.
Thank you.
Now, break some rocks for me, boys.
Take care, now, you hear?
Bye-bye.
Don't you know you're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day?
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
When we stop for gas, we call up Cooter and tell him to put a pig in the road, right.
Then when the cops are moving the pig, Cooter hooks up a cable to the bumper.
Car drives away, the hook will pull out the whole chassis.
He can't drive without a chassis...
All right, shut up back there!
My cousin's starting to go crazy. We gotta get him to a hospital.
I think he done caught the fever, or something.
That's what happens when you're humping livestock, hillbilly.
Can we help you guys out with anything up there...
...oblige you with a reach-around or something?
Of course, you'd have to un-cuff us first.
Sarge, if you and me was to have a chase, you think you could catch me?
- Appears to me you caught already, son. - I'm serious.
If I had my car and you was in this one, you really think you could catch me?
Because, bubba, this car feels kind of slow to me.
She's got plenty under the hood, don't you worry about that.
- No balls. - No balls.
No balls. No balls.
- No balls. - No balls.
You wanna see balls?
- No balls. No balls. - Will you slow this car down?
You letting them get your panties in a bunch. You the officer.
Shut the hell up back there. All right?
- No balls. - Oh, my God. Will you look at that?
You need a napkin to eat them drumsticks, boy.
- Goddamn it. - Nice driving!
What seems to be the problem, sugar?
I think something bounced up into my undercarriage.
- Will you take a look? - Ma'am, I'd be pleased...
...to check your undercarriage. - Thank you.
I stopped you because your taillight is out.
Stopped me? Sir, you hit me.
Because your taillight is out, and we couldn't see you brake.
- You're gonna write me a ticket? - Yep.
This is ridiculous!
Is there anything I can help you out with today, ma'am?
Do cute cops grow on trees around here or what?
Well, I, you know... Pushups. Kind of you to notice.
Let me see what's going on under your hood here.
- Damn, that's hot. - Here. Maybe this'll help.
- Bless you. - No, no, no. My undercarriage.
- Your undercarriage? - Yeah.
Looks like you boys have the magic touch.
I was about to seal the deal when you came over.
What? She was looking at me the whole time.
- Let's get out of here. - Where are the goddamn keys?
Y'all think you can catch me now?
Buckle up, this might get exciting.
That's all right. We'll be long gone before another cop shows up.
Get skinny!
- Okay, where's the highway? - Don't you have a map?
Wait. I got it.
Turn left up here!
Turn left, turn left!
Damn it, I said, left!
- You said your left! - My left is your left.
I'm gonna need these directions faster.
It's okay. I know exactly where we're at.
So, girls, how's the back seat?
I haven't had this much fun since we used to sneak up to the hayloft.
You remember those tight little outfits you used to make me wear.
- I didn't know how to break it to you. - You didn't know?
Luke, you said he was okay with it.
Look at the road, Bo.
Bo, look at the road.
- Look at the road. - Supposed to be my time.
Bo!
I think I'm gonna chunder.
- Is that bad? - That means "vomit. "
- Not in the car. - Bo!
You told me she wasn't emotionally available for me.
That it was better to lose a lover than to love a loser!
Because you would faint every time you saw her!
I don't faint.
You called me a loser?
I was trying to make him feel better.
Can you just let me out here?
Bo, this is some of the best driving I ever seen you do.
- Ain't that right, girls? - Great driving, Bo. Great driving.
Don't kiss my ass.
- Bo, you gotta get us out of here. - I can't hear you.
- You're being ridiculous, Bo. - Life is ridiculous, Katie.
I really need a plastic bag now.
What is the purpose of this circle?
How do we get out of here?
- Take this right. - I'm not listening to you.
Take a right here.
Hell.
You're scaring the girls. Get back on the road.
- Say sorry for stealing Katie. - You were never together!
I liked her. You betrayed that.
- I liked her too! - I liked her first.
Calm down, Bo!
I will calm down when he says he's sorry!
- Say you're sorry. - I ain't saying it.
Have you made your peace with God yet, Luke?
Because you're about to meet your maker!
- Just say you're sorry! - No.
We had a good time, and I'm not gonna apologize for that.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Fine. I'll take Annette.
That was fun.
Lost Sheep, Lost Sheep, are you out there?
Uncle Jesse, where are you?
There's a hearing at the courthouse. We gotta get everybody over there now.
Sounds like a mighty fine plan, Lucas.
Only got one wrinkle to it.
You do that, could be very bad for Jesse and Pauline's health.
Hogg, you lay one hand on them...
...and I'll shove a apple in your mouth and my foot up your ass.
Well, you bring the Vaseline.
We'll make it a party.
You two boys stay out of Hazzard, and I mean it this time.
- Where you think they got them? - I don't know.
- Hogg's never gone this far before. - You ready to go that far?
Cousin, I'm always ready to go that far.
What are we doing here? This is Derek Sheevington's place.
Yeah. Pretty good chance this is gonna get ugly, so we're gonna drop you here.
He got caught drinking out of the toilet in the girls' bathroom.
I know, I know. But we're gonna need you girls to work with him.
Oh, good God.
Why, Katie Johnson, is that you?
Boy, you filled out real nice.
Yeah. You filled out real nice too, Sheev.
What's going on, Sheev? Looks like we're gonna need some of those toys.
Leave them two girls here, I'll give you anything you want.
Come on in. I'll put a stew on.
- Hazzard County Police Department. - Enos, this is Boss Hogg.
Me and Rosco are over at the Duke place.
- If anybody wants us, we'll be here. - Well, that's mighty consid...
Rosco, I'm going over and join the governor at the rally.
Do not be late going to the courthouse.
Boss, how come you told old Enos there where we was at?
You remember the time we tried to fix the rodeo?
- Yeah. - It was Enos that told the Dukes about it.
Then we tried to spread those rumors about the Mad Cow Disease...
...so my chicken factories would make a little more profit.
It was Enos that told the Duke boys.
So you want them Duke boys to come out here?
Enos, where's Boss Hogg and Rosco?
They're at your farm.
Thank you, Enos.
That might be a new record.
What? Okay, thanks, Daisy.
He's at our farm.
Hey. Hey, look, there's Prickett.
- So? - He can help us.
He don't care about Hazzard. He's getting paid to be here.
Oh, man, you're wrong. He's from here.
- You out of your goddamn mind? - Hey, Billy.
- Boss Hogg's gonna strip-mine Hazzard. - Just hold your horses.
- Who's stripping? - He's playing you, man.
- He paid you to come and race... - Just save your breath.
- I already know. - You already know?
- But this is your hometown. - I hate to break this to you, Bo-Bo...
...but this place is a shithole.
If it wasn't a strip mine, it'd be a strip mall.
Kind of like one of them outlets where everything's reduced prices and...
Hell, they don't even have an Outback Steakhouse down here. Am I right?
- Right as pie, Billy. - Saddle up, Dil.
Look at the bright side, Bo-Bo. At least you didn't have to race me today.
Because I would've left that little Tonka toy you drive at the starting stripe.
- Tonka. - I'm gonna kill him.
Hey, hey, hey!
- What about Uncle Jesse? - Wanna ride this stag?
- You wanna rodeo with this clown? - Uncle Jesse's old, Luke.
He's had a good run.
Besides, if he passes, God have mercy on his soul, we get the farm.
I'm just playing with you, man. Let's go get him.
They're here.
Cooter, you ready out there?
You get Rosco out of there, Daisy and I'll take care of the rest.
What do you say we smoke the varmint out of his hole?
Hey, Rosco, come on out, you fat son of a bitch!
- Cletus, get your butt out there. - Thank you, Rosco.
- Let me know if you're gonna puke! - Oh, you'll know first!
All right, boys! Y'all come on out of there with your hands up.
- Hey, Rosco! - Hi, Boo-Boo.
I didn't know we had so many pigs on the farm.
- I call this "painting the fence. " - I think you missed a spot.
Look out, look out!
- You gonna get us out of here? - I'm working on it!
Man, they're hauling ass, pick it up!
- You gonna make that? - I'm planning on it.
Hold on, Luke.
I'll go in this direction now!
All right, Jesse. I'm arresting those...
Jesse? Jesse?
Courthouse.
Attention! Attention, good people of Hazzard!
Life as we know it is about to end.
As we speak, dark forces are conspiring to strip-mine our land.
Follow me to the courthouse, and we'll save you!
Yeah, right, Sheev. Last year the CIA was brainwashing our cows.
Get a job, man.
Hey, Sheev. Sheev.
- Go back to your spaceship. - I'm serious. Come on!
Bye, Sheev.
It might be good if you helped out here.
- Hell, move over, I'll drive. - No way.
I'm still hoping to survive this thing.
Goddamn it. Son of a bitch.
I like the way you think, cuz. Yeah, boy!
Hold on.
Lost Sheep, Lost Sheep, are you out there?
Go for Lost Sheep.
- Free and clear. - Good.
Sheev's making sure everyone goes to the hearing.
- I'll see you in town. - Over and out.
Let's get the hell out of here.
- Barn door, coming up. - Yeah, I see it. Hold on!
The General!
Let's head to the courthouse!
End of the World to Lost Sheep, End of the World to Lost Sheep.
- Come in, Lost Sheep. - What do you got?
- Everybody headed into town? - That's a negative.
Repeat, that's a negative.
No one listened. They threw hot dogs at us.
- Did you tell them about the strip mine? - Of course I did.
Were you wearing a armadillo helmet when you told them about it?
No.
Okay, Lost Sheep out.
No one's heading in to town?
If we don't get to that courthouse by noon, there ain't gonna be no town.
- Well, we still got time for Plan B. - I like Plan B.
- Plan B. - Plan B.
When you're flying by the seat of your pants...
... nothing sounds more official than a Plan B.
Don't worry, cuz, I'll get them to the courthouse.
This emergency hearing is now in session.
Rosco, where is everybody?
I'm here.
Well, we have until noon.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...
...it's my honor today to introduce my friend...
...and the friend of everybody in the greatest state of the United States...
...the governor, James T. Applewhite!
Thank you. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...welcome to the 70th Annual Hazzard Road Rally!
Drivers, start your engines!
Just have a couple piña coladas waiting for me at the finish line, Dil.
Here comes the heat.
There they go.
Come on, come on, come on.
He's in the race!
It has been confirmed that the orange car that entered the race...
...is in fact the same car that tore up Atlanta this morning.
It seems that the "orange-car fugitives" are from right here in Hazzard County.
State and local authorities are trying to subdue the vehicle...
...known as the General Lee.
Well, General-Lee speaking, I'd say those cops are in for a pretty tough time.
I'm Rick Shakely. Back to you, Marty.
This is Boss Hogg. The Dukes are on the course.
I want all available vehicles to shut down the road to the courthouse!
- We're gonna need to clear a path. - You got it.
Hey, Dil, what's the word on those Céline Dion tickets?
Well, of course I wanna go backstage. Don't be dumb.
Damn.
Enos. I want you down to the courthouse. I...
Someone moved my car.
Enos, you dipstick, did somebody move my car?
Hell, let's just sack up and shoot the bastard.
Holy shit!
Luke, where the hell are you?
- Good God almighty. - It's about time!
- How's the race going? - How's it look like it's going?
Why, you dirty son of a bitch.
Hey, go easy on that.
For what I'm getting ready to do, I don't wanna remember a lot of it.
You know why tornadoes and blonds...
...are so much alike? - No.
At first, there's a lot of sucking and blowing, and then you lose your house.
Know what you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
- No. - You get a piece of ass...
...that'll bring a tear to your eye.
You thinking about throwing it?
Oh, I'll throw it. I was thinking about pussy.
You know why divorces are so expensive?
- No. - Because they're worth it.
Fire in the hole.
Hey, Bo, take it home. The coast is clear.
Here we go again.
Okay, I'm gonna get those cops to follow me.
When I do, tow those cruisers out of the way.
Can do.
Excuse me, officers. My car broke down up the street there...
...and I was wondering if y'all could help me out.
Why, yes, ma'am. We'll be happy to.
- Oh, you're sweet. - Let's go.
Halt! Tough shit, honey. You go fix your own car.
Ain't no one going anywhere.
What the hell are you doing?
Come on, General.
Hey, Dil, we got a late arrival!
Hey, Billy!
You're gonna pay for that, Bo-Bo.
I've had just about enough of you.
Here they come.
Of course I can feel him on my left! Of course I can!
- Where is he getting this from? - Hey, Billy!
He's playing with me!
- Come on. - The General Lee has won the race.
I want him tested for steroids!
But Billy Prickett and the General Lee haven't had quite enough driving.
They're still going.
- Come on, y'all! - We'll interview these guys...
...if we have to chase after them ourselves. Tito, start the van.
Better luck next time, Hogg.
Let's go, baby.
Don't go home, really.
This is Boss Hogg.
That road better be shut down tighter than a tick's ass.
Ten-four. Barricade's in place.
Rosco, is anyone coming?
- What, I ain't good enough for you? - No comment.
Don't write that down. Don't write that down.
- Are they coming? - Oh, yeah, they're coming.
We got the whole town headed to the courthouse.
- Daisy, we all clear? - Not exactly.
"Not exactly" could be a problem.
Bo? I think we're gonna have to shoot the moon.
- What the hell are you doing, Cooter? - Sorry, officer.
I heard a pretty lady needed a tow.
- Cooter. - I can't hear you.
Cooter, what the hell are you doing?
Hey, Billy!
You think I was born yesterday, Bo-Bo?
Oh, shit!
Holy shit.
Luke, I made it, but I don't know how anybody else will.
That's okay, I got an idea!
Well, I'll see you on the other side.
Give me your goddamn driver's license.
What license?
What are we waiting on, judge? Let's finish this thing.
Well, I guess it's that time.
I just can't believe that nobody wants to object.
All those in favor of the strip-mining ordinance?
- They're gonna strip-mine Hazzard? - Damn straight.
- How can they do that? - Don't worry, we're about to stop them.
All those opposed?
What the hell is that? Who locked that door?
- Oh, man, that's gonna hurt tomorrow. - Your Honor!
I think we got some people who might like to object to this strip-mining issue.
Okay, all those opposed to the strip-mining ordinance?
This court hereby declares that the strip-mining ordinance is dismissed.
Thank you much. Thank you, Boss. Hi, how y'all?
She might be a little low on gas.
Take that.
Were you really gonna strip-mine Hazzard, Mr. Hogg?
I was thinking about it.
- Out of the way. - Step aside, please.
Excuse me, ma'am.
- Get your hands up. - People, move back.
Hands up, hands up.
Okay. Looks like the party's over.
Damn right it is. As long as I'm a county commissioner...
...for the great state of Georgia, you two are gonna rot...
...in the penitentiary. Cuff him.
Let them go!
Excuse me, Rick Shakely. I think the governor has a statement to make.
- Well, hot dog. - I do?
Yes, sir. You wanted to comment on how these boys...
...are the heroes for saving Hazzard County.
- That's right, governor! - Come on, governor!
Certainly, certainly.
As you know, I've always been a great friend to the environment.
And these boys, they're environmental heroes!
And because they're heroes, you're gonna pardon them for all their crimes?
Moreover, as governor, I hereby pardon these boys...
...of any and all offenses against the great state of Georgia. Go Dogs!
Governor? I wanna thank you for pardoning me too.
- Pardon you for what? - For this.
Oh, what the hell. I pardon him too.
Here's to Hazzard County's real favorite sons.
The day had been saved, as they say.
Hazzard was put back the way it was.
Boss Hogg had some explaining to do.
And the Dukes got their farm back and celebrated...
... with a good old-fashioned pig-picking barbecue.
Hey, Billy. Daisy, I think you ought to get up there and sing.
- Oh, no. I only sing in the shower. - I'll get the water running.
- Let's get Uncle Jesse to do it. - Good idea.
Pauline, where's Uncle Jesse? We want him to sing a song.
I think I might know where he is.
An apple?
An apple a day will keep the doctor away, darling.
Come on, Jesse, they want you to sing.
- Real refreshing. - They are, aren't they?
It feels like old times again.
Yeah, except for now we don't gotta worry about Bo finding out.
I swear you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
- You're sweet. - Yeah.
I would really like to give you a bath later.
Clean you up real nice. Would you like that?
- I'd like that. - Yeah. Yeah.
Don't worry about her. She's crazy.
Hey there, Laurie.
You forgot to make your delivery this week, Luke Duke.
- Go, Bo, go. - Luke, you man-whore.
You get back here, you bastard!
See y'all later.
Okay, this is A-camera marker.
- Actually, she's my cousin. - That don't make a difference to me.
Hell, long as she's your sister. What the fuck did I just say?
Don't you know you're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day?
- Come on, cut that out. - Seann.
Do I need to mark this thing?
It's called common markers.
I wonder if Richard Burton ever had to do that.
What the fuck? That's the kiss you guys are having?
What the fuck? I'm a total fucking moron.
- It gets longer and longer, doesn't it? - Come on.
How these boys are the heroes for... Oh, my Lord.
Every time I look at her titties, she loses her line.
- I love it except for the hair in your eyes. - I know.
- How's my hair? - Okay.
How'd you miss that?
- Gonna take your hands off the wheel? - He showed me his balls.
Sorry. Okay, okay. We'll do it again. Okay, keep going.
For your...
- Don't tell me, it rhymes with "anus. " - Heinous.
For your heinous crimes.
Have you been running this around the clock, Uncle Jesse?
Did I say "shit" or "hell" that time? With "ass" or "dick"? I said "hell"?
Dang it, a little help. A little help.
- Cut it. - Cut.
Come on, be a bro, be a bro. Get it away! Come on. Get it away!
- Move over. - Hey.
- There weren't any bananas. - Oh, that's okay.
- Where's Bo? - To hell with Bo, it's Boo!
Lunch!
Thank you very much.
Look at me, I'm flying. I'm flying!
Oh, it's so much fun. I'm okay.
~ End ~